Humour

Just a few daft jokes to brighten your day (some of these are seriously bad!)

For Nobby: You can’t lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon!

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator at Barnoldswick telephone exchange received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. ‘I’m foreman at Briggs and Duxbury,’ he explained. ‘Every day I have to blow the whistle for dinner at noon, so I call you to get the exact time.’ The operator giggled, ‘That’s really funny,’ she said. ‘All this time we’ve been setting our clock by your whistle.’

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

I went to Ghyll Church yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!

I was at the ATM at Spar yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance – so I pushed her over.

I was driving out of town this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up on Skipton Road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for her I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Barnoldswick Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arm in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

A man walks into the Dog* with a slab of Tarmac under his arm and says: ‘A beer please, and one for the road.’ (*The Greyhound, for the uninitiated!)

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

The 4-foot fortune-teller who escaped from Kirkham prison was a small medium at large

A Swiss man, on holiday in Barnoldswick, needed directions. He was standing outside Chewie’s Bar on Church Street when he saw two lads walking by – so he stops them and asks,  ‘Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?’ The two lads look at each other blankly and stare back at him. ‘Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?’ He tries. The pair continue to stare. ‘Parlare Italiano?’ Still absolutely no response from the two lads. ‘Hablan ustedes Espanol?’ The Barlickers remain totally silent. The Swiss guy walks off extremely disappointed and downhearted that he had not been understood.  One of the boys turns to the second and says, ‘Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language!’ ‘Why?’ says the youth, ‘That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good!’

When I went for lunch at Victoria’s today, I noticed an old man sitting at one of the tables outside on the Town Square, sobbing his eyes out.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He told me, ‘I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me a full English breakfast – bacon, eggs, toast and freshly ground coffee’.  Again I asked him ‘Well, then why are you crying?’ He went on, ‘She makes me homemade soup for lunch and bakes my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.’ I repeated ‘Well, why are you crying?’ He said, ‘For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours.’ Totally confused, I inquired, ‘Well then, why in the world would you be crying?’ He replied, ‘I can’t remember where I live.’

A Barlicker, a Skiptoner and a Colner all entered a 26 mile long swimming race. After 12 miles the Skipton man gets tired and drops out. Then after 16 miles the man from Barlick gets tired and drops out. After 25 miles the Colner decides he can’t finish the race either, so he turns around and swims back to the start.

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